Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body!

There are two verses that have brought me the greatest amount of comfort throughout my walk with the Lord. The first is one of the verses the Lord used to bring me to Him, Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears." The second one is 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore; I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." But of these two, I have only truly attempted to live out one of them, and that's Psalm 34:4. 2 Corinthians 12, has brought me comfort, but when it comes to boasting in my weakness, well, come on, I'm a Marine, we don't do that!

  When I first enlisted in the military there was a popular slogan, "pain is weakness leaving the body." This slogan was meant to encourage, specifically recruits, to endure the hardships of recruit training. Embrace the pain because it only means you are getting stronger, and strength after all was the goal. Nobody wants to be weak. I can remember being in recruit training, 17 years old, 140 lbs in the dirt (the pit is what we called it) having to do push-ups because the whole platoon just looked like "trash" in drill (marching). There I was struggling, my tiny arms no longer able to push my body up for another push-up, and my senior drill instructor looked at me, and said "boy... you're weak!" Those words cut me. But they also pushed me to get stronger; I would hear those words in my head for the remainder of my Marine Corps career. Those words were what was behind me maintaining a perfect Physical Fitness Test score for most of my Marine Corps career. 

  Here I am, now 24 years later, but yet still hearing those words in my head as I start to write this, and this time, they are not a motivating factor, they are instead condemning me, making me want to remain silent. But, the Lord’s conviction has outgrown the power of the words of one man and has shown me the folly in a slogan that may have had the best of intentions, but has also led to the destruction of many of my fellow military brothers and sisters. When we are taught that pain is weakness leaving the body, then the last thing we want to do is embrace weakness, all we want to do is get rid of it. But the Lord has rescued me from the folly of worldly thinking, if I believe in the Son, and His word is my ultimate authority and standard, I must boast in my weakness, that His power would be made perfect.

  I've spoken before about my PTSD, but what I haven't spoken of in detail is what it looks like in my life, and most importantly in my head and in my heart. What I haven't shared is the torment that it causes me and how it can sometimes completely wreak havoc on those I love and care for the most. What I haven't shared is how at times my thoughts go so far from God, that apart from His Spirit, there is not telling how I would act or what I would do, including at times the thought of ending it all. I long for heaven, I long for a time without pain, I long for a time to be in the presence of my loving savior where all this would no longer be and sometimes I long for it so much, that my thoughts begin to consider, what if it just happened right now? It's not death at all that brings me fear, it's only what death in that way would do to those I love and how it would destroy my witness to others and how it lacks faith in the one I love, Jesus, that keeps that from being a reality. 

  Here's how PTSD has made my life difficult, and I hope in revealing this to you, the power of God will be made perfect in revealing more of who He is and drawing you closer to Him. First, it's in my lack of compassion and often times lack of ability to emotionally connect. My experiences have caused me to see emotion only as a danger, and often led me to seeing no value in it at all. This hasn't only been a bad thing; because the value in it, is that it forces me to look for truth, and to allow facts to be what guides me. But, when it comes to loving my wife, my children, and the flock that God has entrusted me with, it is often more of a detriment than a blessing. With my wife it often means I evaluate our relationship and family based on the quantity of time we spend together, rather than the quality of our time spent together or whether or not everyone is actually enjoying our time together. This past year, the Lord made this a specific area of my life to focus on, as I asked for us, as a family to spend more time laughing together rather than just more time together. 

  This emotional side of it though has also meant that my interactions are often cold, direct, and can come across as angry or lacking compassion. In my head, I am often doing the most loving and compassionate thing I can do. Whether that be administering correction, rebuke, teaching, or encouraging towards godliness. But because of the way I view the emotional portion of this, it isn't usually received this way. My actions have often brought about the opposite of what I have sought to bring out. By the Lord’s power, things have gotten better, but also by His grace I see there is still so much further I need to go. I know it is something I need to work on, and this is an area of great weakness for me, that I hope can be an area for His great power to shine through me as I continue to depend on Him to see me through. 

  Another area that actually seems to be getting worse, not better, is my memory. About a year and a half ago I went in to see my doctor because I was concerned about the type of things I seemed to be forgetting. Simple words would escape me, I would often, and still do often, have to walk in and out of my house multiple times before getting on the road because I forget things that I need. I can be in the middle of a conversation and much of it escapes me because my mind has wandered, and I don't know where it goes. I was then given a referral to a psychologist because of my diagnosis with PTSD. It was then it was explained to me, because of my experience, my mind has a way of processing information that holds on to only information that is deemed essential. What the criteria for that is, well it depends on the circumstance. But this means that even words, that may be common for most people are completely set aside, because in the moment my mind has decided something else is more essential. 

  This has quite honestly been my greatest frustration when it comes to ministry. The Lord has been gracious with me, when it comes to giving me compassion for His flock, for some reason that has not lacked. I've been able to minister to the people with emotion that isn't natural to me and He has allowed me to see great victory there. But my memory failing me seems to happen at the most inopportune times. This has caused me to be even more careful when I speak, to slow down (believe it or not), and to go back to preaching with a manuscript instead of only an outline. Perhaps, this doesn't seem to be of great importance to you, but my desire for greater knowledge was something born in me of God alone. My PTSD, seems to have robbed me of this, as I can often read a book two or three times with almost no recollection of what I have read. Much of the verses I have memorized were memorized 10 years ago, as I find it next to impossible to memorize verses today and yet despite this weakness, He has continued to call me into His service.

These aren't all my weaknesses, but these are the ones that bring me to my knees and cause me to cry out to God regularly. These are the ones that I do my best to cover up and try keep out of sight because I don't want to hear that voice saying, "boy... you're weak" again. These are the ones that I can say like Paul, I have pleaded with the Lord to take them away, and yet His response remains, His grace is sufficient... Pain is not weakness leaving the body, pain is the recognition that weaknesses are present, and it points us to the fact that many of our weaknesses are beyond our ability to repair but that same pain is meant to drive us to our savior: who bore our sins, and took our pain, so that we would one day know no more pain, and one day be completely free from sin. But until then, it's through our pain, and our weakness that His power will be made perfect. May it be so through mine, and also through yours. God bless.