God, are you there?

I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Dallas, Texas and it's been almost 3 years since I’ve sat down to write anything. Since 2022 my walk with the Lord has taken a nosedive and I have done everything I can to get away from Jesus and His church. There is no reason for me to be writing this from the perspective of a Christian, except for the grace of God. In fact, I know there are those who would not consider me a Christian today because of my unfaithfulness. I still wrestle with that question myself. The assurance I once walked with, I no longer have, and I believe that to be of no fault of anyone but myself.

So why write anything at all? Good question, except that God has not let me go... and I’m not exactly happy about it. I wish I could say I was. I wish that I was writing this from the position of a freed slave who had returned to his captor only to have been freed again. But instead, I write from the perspective of an unwilling and very sinful servant of a faithful and ever present God. The last few years have been filled with me trying to escape, trying to fill my life with enough noise to filter out Gods voice. The more noise, the more frustrated I get, and the louder His voice gets.

Since 2022 I have walked completely away from ministry. Initially I did so in good standing and thought that a day may come when God would call me back. From there, I went on to permanently disqualify myself due to my own moral failings and have only continued to fight against the Spirits work in my own life. At times things have been better than others, and other times very dark. I have no excuse for what I've done, nor do I care to hash it all out here. But what I will say is that in the last few months I have questioned whether there is any place for a man like me in the church at all.  

I know that my life has not been the hardest, I know that for the most part I have been blessed, and that life has been filled with more good than bad. However; there's still so much anger and frustration within me and for that not to be destructive, it seems the healthiest direction to point it is towards God. Anger towards God does not result in a very Spirit filled life, and after years of being angry, I just don't know how to enjoy Him again.  What am I angry about? Well for that, I would need a lot more space than 600 words would allow for. But today God spoke, and I heard Him. It was unexpected. But it was exactly what I needed, and it has left me... for the first time in a long time. Hopeful.

Where do I go from here? I don't know. Perhaps I’ll share more, perhaps I won't share anything for another 2 years, or ever again. God doesn't owe me anything and yet He let me know that He's heard me and that He sees me. My life verse has always been Psalm 34 verse 4, but the entire Psalm has always held a special place, and in verse 6 the psalmist says "This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles." For today at least, I want to believe that I am "this poor man..." and that God heard me.