Some Thoughts on Grieving…
Recently my wife looked at me and said, "there isn't much to encourage fathers who have lost a child due to miscarriage, or still born death, maybe you can write something to encourage them." I'm still not sure if I have anything encouraging to say, but as I looked at my blog, I realized something. I haven't really sat down to write anything since we found out she was pregnant. My last post was posted at the end of February, and it was about a month later that we realized, we were having a baby! So, maybe that's where I’ll start. Let me share with you the journey that has brought us here, to this time of deep grief, sorrow, and mourning.
It was March of 2021 and my wife had just taken a pregnancy test, and as she told me the results, there was a tremendous sense of dread that washed over me. Why, you ask? Well, not at the thought of having another baby, no we wanted that more than anything, not even at the thought of the baby being another girl, I'd become a bit thrilled at another opportunity to have a little princess running around the house. But rather, the dread was at the possibility of us having to go through another loss! We had already lost 4 babies in a time span of just over 2 years. Which meant, what would normally bring a time of rejoicing and celebration was now met with fear and even heartache at the thought of losing someone whom we'd only just discovered existed, yet were already filled with love, hope and dreams of a future for.
That's how this journey began, at least for me. Over the following 6 months life was filled with so many changes for our little family. We moved from our home in the northeast and away from most of the family, and to a whole new way of life in the south. We both started new jobs, and for me a new career. But most importantly we began planning to become a family of 6 instead of 5. With each month we breathed a little bit easier and grew a bit less anxious and a bit more excited.
The Lord during these days taught me to be grateful for every day of life that he gave our baby. When we found out we were having a baby girl, we were thrilled and began talking to our youngest about her responsibilities as an older sister. Camilla, that's our baby girls name, began kicking and it seems she was a bit of a gymnast because early on she was doing all sorts of tumbling in mommy’s belly. Most of these days were good days, and many of them were filled with prayers for God to get us through another day and gratitude for when He did. Here's where I think I need to end today, and the thought that I’ll finish with. It was easy to pray during those days, but today I often come before God with nothing to say. I don't know what to pray anymore, the only thing I want, I know I can't get, the only thing I want for my wife, for my daughters that are with us, is not something God saw fit to give us... So, now what do I pray for?
Today, as I was having this thought, about how little I have to say in my time with the Lord, the words of Romans chapter 8 verses 26 and 27 came to mind, here are the verses along with my commentary. "Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness..." Boy, am I weak right now... grieving makes us physically weak, spiritually weak, mentally weak; it has a way of sucking everything from us. "For we do not know what to pray for as we ought..." I understand there's more to this than what I am currently going through, but I am so grateful that in my current state there is at least this, that I don't know what to pray for, yet God knows and knew we would often be in such a state.
"But the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words." No, I’m not speaking in tongues, and that's not the promise of this verse either, but rather in my inability to put together words or even thoughts, God still knows, He is able, and He will provide... "And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God" and here's the best part, Gods intercession isn't according to my will, but His. The places that my thoughts and desire are willing to go right now are not good, they are dark, very dark and places that I know I need to avoid, and because of Gods goodness, His Spirit will not allow me to bring those things before Him, but instead He intercedes according to His will, His goodness... There I can find comfort.
I don't know if there will be more to write, but here's where I'm at. Let me just add this, though I'm often without words to pray, God has been gracious in not leaving me without words to sing. I think worship has been such a tremendous help during this time because the words are already laid out for me, so I can just sing them to Him. Perhaps that will be my next post...